Numbness

It used to be that the slightest thing would set me falling into the darkness of my thoughts. But now I always seem to be there and I'm growing numb to everything. I guess it's a good thing in some respects; if I get use to the sadness and hate for myself, maybe I'll stop feeling it? Maybe, eventually my body will get so sick and tired of feeling like crap I just won't feel anymore.

No more sadness.

No more anger.

No more worthlessness.

...

No more Joy.


I can't wait until I feel nothing, because the sadness right after the joy is the worse, because that's when every bad feeling feels as if it's times 10 and I feel the most hopeless- like I will never feel the warmth of Joy again. And that's why I hate joy and happiness because it never lasts and I'm stuck with this sadness for longer and it's always harder to climb out.

Sometimes I feel like I have forgot how to laugh.

But I will always know how to cry, and it's getting harder to fight back the constant tears, and the longer I fight the sicker I feel. Eventually I'll just drown...

I almost did this week.

A dam broke and I felt myself being pulled under. I felt my grip slipping, and my slip cost me. Now a part of my body will always be a numb reminder of my weakness. And I hate myself more for letting people see my like that, and running like a baby for help.

But, as much as it hurts to think about people lying to my face and saying they care. It hurts more that some people don't say it and make it impossible for me to pretend.